Struggling with my mental health and Autism
I was known as the quiet kid in school. Since my childhood, I had trained myself to mask and hide my emotions and my true self. I was so, so shy and absolutely hated going to social gatherings or anything like that. Growing up I didn’t really have trouble making friends, but I found it hard keeping true friendships with many people. I always felt a bit different from others but was told that was a normal feeling, even if it felt like it wasn’t.
I had a difficult time in my early teenage years and started struggling with my mental health. There was a lot happening at home and I was just getting overwhelmed with getting older and things getting more complex. I had been referred to CAMHS, to which I asked about getting an ASD assessment. This was done and was diagnosed as autistic, which my parents took really hard, since we come from a culture where mental health difficulties and diagnoses such as autism and ADHD aren’t really well known and hold a lot of stigma.
My inpatient care and OCD diagnosis
I had started self-harming and ended up going to inpatient CAMHS. I also had an OCD diagnosis, which actually helped me realise how my thinking patterns worked, but that was the only good bit – actually having OCD wasn’t so fun.
Once discharged from inpatient care, I went up and down, being on close observations in the community, and things were just not manageable after a long while, so I went into an adult acute which I found really scary. After a while, I had been referred to personality disorder services, where I had an assessment with Roseacre Ward at Cygnet Hospital Maidstone, and agreed to go. I live in London so going to Kent was a bit hard for me, but nonetheless I went anyway and gave it a go.
Starting DBT at Roseacre Ward
In my first few months on the ward, I was quite unsettled. I started Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) and carried on trying. I had many ups and downs for many months until I had a nasty incident that was a big turning point for me. I worked hard even more than I already was.
Building healthy coping skills
I already know DBT skills, but I decided to practice more, and to understand the functions of these behaviours and a healthy coping mechanism to replace it. When you’ve coped with difficult situations in a specific way for a while, they become automatic. I tried my best to reframe everything to not be opportunities for self-harm, and to involve healthy coping skills. I practised using my distress tolerance skills when I wasn’t distressed. I acted it out and everything. So when I am distressed, I know what to do.
Finding my identity and acceptance
Near the end of my stay on Roseacre, my community teams looked for supported living placements in London. It took a long while to find a place, though. I had made so many meaningful relationships, including patients and staff. I did a lot of work on accepting who I am and figuring out my identity. DBT helped with this due to the concept of dialectics. I have taken a piece of every single person from Roseacre with me in my brain for the rest of my life. It was hard leaving, but I left as a completely changed person, and I didn’t need it anymore.
I’m not saying Roseacre is a miracle. It’s helped me to use my skills to make myself better, and get in recovery. I’m proud to say that I have been incident-free for almost 11 months. It’s wild to think about it, really. I never would have believed I’d get to this point.
Life after Roseacre: New goals
I’ve been able to manage things that have sprung up in my life well now. Ive maintained healthy relationships which are really meaningful. I’ve started college doing an access to higher education course in radiography (which wasn’t actually the plan, but hey ho – we adapt) and sent off my UCAS application for uni and have already gotten a conditional offer to study therapeutic radiography at university. I’ve even gone and donated blood in my local blood donation centre and it was a cool experience that felt very fulfilling.
Looking ahead
Putting in the effort to be in recovery has been so worth it. I am so proud of myself for how far I have come. Even saying that I’m proud of myself is something I wouldn’t have said before. I find life really beautiful now. I look at the little things and appreciate them so much. I love going on the tube and the bus (previous me wouldn’t say this, I’d get panic attacks on public transport) and love people watching.
I make sure I carry everything I need with me in case I get overwhelmed, like a little crisis survival kit, but I always try to never let it get to that point anyway, which it rarely does. I can’t wait for what the future will bring me, and what other achievements I will make after my time in Cygnet.