Coming out: What is it?
Coming out is the time in which a member of the community informs people of their LGBTQ+ identity. This is something that can influence different aspects of someone’s life – at work, to family and/or to friends. It is important that we all have an understanding of how it feels so that we can best support our colleagues and individuals in our care.
Today the term “coming out” is a little controversial; it is argued that there shouldn’t have to be a coming out for the community but the idea of coming out can be a very important milestone for members of the community and can shape an individual’s future.
Sam’s Story
My coming out story is that at the age of 13 I had been through a period of bullying around my sexuality and at this point I hadn’t told anyone that I was gay. This led to a lot of negative feelings as people were telling me my sexuality before I even had chance to get my head around it. But I made the decision to tell my family! I had sat everyone down and with eyes full of tears I said “I am gay”.
I remember so clearly that my dad turned and looked at me and said to me “Sam, we have always known and we support you no matter what, it’s not always going to be easy but as a family we support you no matter what”. I have remembered that for the last 11 years. I was so scared to tell my dad and he didn’t bat an eye lid. From this I went on to tell my friends, my teachers and my rugby team. I had nothing but love and support from everyone. I was lucky that this is how my “coming out” story is told.
This is not the case for everyone.
Growing up gay I had a number of friends who were also part of the community that were coming out and not all of them had the same support. I had friends that were kicked out of their homes down to their sexuality, I had friends whose parents had told them they would never find love. And this is why we need awareness around the potential struggles of coming out.
Aaron’s Story
Very much like Sam’s story I was unfortunately subject to bullying from a very young age and even to this day continue to receive homophobic hate from others. I was fortunate enough to be able to talk to my family about my feelings, struggles and was able to come out them at the age of 12, which wasn’t easy in the 90’s. I really struggled with not being able to do regular things that teens do like date peers, dance with someone at the school disco and my Dad was on always on high alert ready to pick me up from any social event that would end with abuse from others.
I have always been very proud of myself and have always had a passion to speak up and advocate for myself and for my community. There is controversy around the need to come out, but for me it felt liberating.
At 35 years I realised that I am Non-Binary and again I was met with people wondering why I had to define myself, but it was through others coming out and talking about their experiences that made me realise that is how I identified and again this has made me feel free to express myself even more and push my own boundaries, perhaps when we come out and live authentically it can encourage others to do the same.
Dos & Don’ts
If someone comes out to you it can be a challenging conversation for you and so we’ve put together some do’s and don’ts, it is important to remember this isn’t a one size fits all but if someone has made the decision to tell you of their LGBTQ+ status then this shows that this person trusts you.
Do let them lead the conversation – Remember they might not want to discuss all the details as it is a sensitive subject for them to express.
Don’t react badly- Remember this will do nothing in regards to their identity but could cause them a lot of upset.
Do be an Ally – Challenge homophobia and help to create a LGBTQ+ friendly space.
Don’t ask why they haven’t told you before – This is something that they will express when they are ready to discuss not when you are ready to listen.
Do respect their privacy – Once you have been told it’s not up to you to tell anyone else this is still something that only they can decide, in their own time.
Don’t change how you are! – Someone telling you their sexuality should not impact the way you treat them.
Summary
Remember coming out is different for everyone and not one person will have the same experience but coming out and being authentically true to yourself is one of the most liberating and important things in the world.
Remember if you are thinking of coming out, you’re not alone and if you need any support please get in touch with the network and we can offer support wherever possible.
Likewise if someone is coming out to you remember how important this moment is for that person. Be supportive, be a good listener and most importantly Be Kind!
Useful links
For more information around coming out please use the below links:
https://www.stonewall.org.uk/help-advice/information-and-resources/coming-out/comingout-as-an-adult
https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/sexual-orientation/sexual-orientation/whatscoming-out
https://www.ted.com/playlists/307/on_coming_out