Having read Jon’s blog on Movember last week, I wanted to explore the meaning of International Men’s Day 2022. In his blog Jon shared a short video that highlights how sometimes men place unrealistic and unfair expectations on themselves and how these expectations are formed.
My own experience was from my father. He was an incredibly ambitious and driven man, whose own experiences were formed by his father (my paternal grandfather) and his experiences, and so on, you can see the pattern that formed …
My paternal grandfather (Pop) was just a 20 year old infantryman when he fought at the Battle of the Somme and 21 when he was mustard gassed at the Battle of Passchendaele in 1917. On leaving the army, he worked as a quarry man until being made redundant in the early 1930s during the Depression years. This meant that the family had little money and my father and his brother were expected to work from the age of 8. That driven work ethic stayed with my father all his life.
Having completed National Service, my father qualified as an electrician, he then acquired a very busy Post Office that supported the nearby Naval base and dockyard. As a 2½ year old I recall him telling me that as a result of the Cuban missile crisis, he may need to go to fight. The Post Office was very successful, but as the area became increasingly busy with traffic it impacted accessibility to the premises and his business suffered so badly that my father took the bold step of buying a disused quarry and applying to build a hotel, with restaurant and swimming pool.
In 1968, he gained planning permission and started work. He sold the post office and purchased a transport café and gift shop, he worked there during the day and on the building site at night, working seven days a week. I worked there from the age of ten to support the family, after school and during school holidays literally repeating my father’s own history.
By 1971, project costs had escalated so much he faced bankruptcy. I recall him telling me one night we may lose our home and how worried he was but I recall his words were “never tell anyone you’ve got worries, only talk about it within the family”. Over the next four years he faced bankruptcy two more times, making himself ill in the process. I knew I could never talk to anyone about how scared I felt, I fully expected to lose both my father and our home.
In July 1975, the first phase of the hotel was complete, staff employed and carpets being laid. He had sold our house and invested everything we had into this project, we were living in completed rooms in the hotel. One week before the hotel was due to open, he announced that he had had enough and we would be leaving the next day, leaving everything behind. We had not home and no money, all my worst fears confirmed, but I knew I couldn’t talk to anyone.
My work ethic was set at that time. I knew I never wanted to be in that situation ever again and set myself a goal that I would be self-sufficient and dependent on no one else for the rest of my life.
That thinking of course never works out, marriage, children and life in general taught me that problems are never resolved by keeping them to yourself. I learnt to reach out to others when I needed help and support, I’m not perfect at it by any means and the experiences of my childhood remain and occasionally surface, but I am happier and better able to be a good husband, father, friend and colleague for what life has taught me.
My father also learnt to be more open, he learnt how to show love and vulnerability, without feeling he was being judged by others. I am immensely proud of what my father achieved in his life, he had a dream that became a stunning venue, provides local employment for over 150 people and hotel destination for many. For me, it remains a tribute to my father and a reminder to not fear talking about what life throws at you and to not remain quiet when you feel life is pressing down on you, there’s a much better way.